The Importance of a Healthy Interpersonal Relationship with Significant Others

We have so many different kinds of relationships and play so many different roles in our everyday lives. As colleagues, parents, infants, friends, siblings, and intimate partners, we are supposed to communicate effectively. Interpersonal interactions include the exchanging of both nonverbal and verbal messages between two parties, regardless of their relationship (Devito 3). There are two types of interpersonal relationships: impersonal and formal. Impersonal is someone that does not have a close relationship with that other person, an example would be a waiter or waitress at a restaurant or somebody that follows another person on a social media account that lives miles away. An interpersonal relationship is the opposite of an impersonal relationship, so having a really close relationship with that other person. An example would be a spouse and as well a family member. This paper focuses on an interpersonal relationship between my significant other and I, but from the perspective of another individual. This paper covers three areas that are key in defining how we get along. They are the different conflict management styles that are used in the relationship, the influence of culture and roles and how it affects the relationship, and the listening skills including barriers.

Conflict Management Styles

My significant other, our friend, and I went to University of South Florida a couple of weeks ago to watch the football game at the Raymond James stadium. The whole activity was fun to all of us. After the game, our friend recounted on his experiences regarding conflict between us. An interpersonal conflict is a disagreement between two people who have different opinions on the issue at hand (DeVito 256). Our friend felt that there were many issues regarding conflict management that were downplaying. He noted these issues could easily become a damaging factor to our relationship in the future. From my perspective, our friend was wrong because not all kinds of conflicts are bad or pose a threat to a relationship. Since our friend is not with us most of the time, from his perspective when we are out, it looks like we have conflict on our different opinions, but in reality we do not. One of the examples that our friend was using and listening to was when we were driving home from the football game and my significant other and I were talking about types of candy and how the type of candy that I like is weird. So I tried to defend myself on how hard candy is not weird and that it is not like I do not like any other candy, I just prefer hard candy instead. So my significant other started stating how he likes chewy candy and chocolate and how that is way better than my type of candy. From my perspective, such an issue was petty and should not have resulted into an argument. This was a negative conflict because none of us stood to gain from winning it. From my perspective, it was better if we just ended it by accepting that all the types of candy were made for consumption and that there was no need to continue arguing. Our friend and myself understand that my significant other is always competitive and defensive and would like to create an argument out of even the simplest conversations. In his early life, he witnessed similar behavior by his father. These are from the patterns and practices that occurred in his life while growing up. From his narrations, I have come to learn that the father liked defending him even when he was clearly on the wrong side. As my significant other grew up, he leant defending himself and can even start doing wo when nobody has implicated him for wrongdoing. He was very active in sports during his youthful days. Football occupies a major episode of his childhood. He had a successful football career during his high school and college days and often recounts memories of winning major matches and trophies. These experiences have something to do with his competitive mentality. He makes competitions out of even the very basic daily activities such as eating and even cleaning. I have a different perspective on life where I believe that I cannot emerge a victor in every conflict. There are conflicts where one has to give up and accept defeat as a way of simply ending the conflict for mutual benefit.

The Influence of Culture and Roles On Our Interpersonal Relationship

My significant other and I grew up in different cultural backgrounds. I grew up in a family that cherished its Latin American origins while his family is more Americans. I have come to learn that despite the cultural differences, we almost underwent similar emotional experiences while growing up within our families. However, differences in gender roles within our cultures have come to define our relationship. Since coming together, it has been a learning experience for my significant other. A lot of information exists on gender relations on American people. This may be attributed to the multiple publications and other sources such as films that are available. These mediums provide sufficient information that has helped individuals, including me, understand the American culture. My husband does not have much information on Hispanic culture. He had come to learn most of the things on this culture from me.

In an Americanized family, most relations and roles are based on gender. While growing up, I could only spend time with my father in the evenings and when we did not have chores around the home. When it was time to carry out tasks, my father would take my brothers and go to the garage or carry out repairs on the house, fence and other structures within the home. I would spend time helping my mother and sisters with household chores. My father would go out with my brothers to watch soccer in the evening while I would accompany my mother to the market, to her friend’s house where they would chat the evening away or would receive one of her friends to our home. The only time that my father and my mother spend together was a after work or during meal times. My mother explained to me that the reason why our families were modelled this way was to ensure that men learn their responsibilities in the society. She also explained that spending little time with her husband was effective in reducing conflict between the two and kept the marriage stronger. I grew up believing that I should minimize the time spent with my significant other. Sometimes, I feel that he should be spending more time with his male friends. I see this as a way of minimizing the arguments and conflicts that take place.

My significant other grew up in a westernized family. In their family, the father was closer to the mother than to the children and other members of the society. In many Americanized families, men and women share most responsibilities. Unlike in my case where my mother took up the traditional role of a housewife, my significant other’s mother was employed. However, she could still perform household chores such as cleaning and cooking. From his tales, I learnt that he cannot tell on whether he spend most of his childhood with his mother or father. He considered them equals and felt that he had a lot that he could learn from both. Despite this status quo, he still believes that there are roles that a man should perform to ensure that a household runs smoothly. In my case, girls had to spend most of their time with the mother while boys were to follow their fathers and other members of the extended family around in order to learn how to fit in the society.

Our relationship is influenced more by the American culture. This can be attributed to the fact that we live in America and most of my adult life has been spent among Americans. Unlike my mother who had to play the role of a housewife, I learned and have a vision of setting up a successful career. My family appreciates the changes but they always remind on the need to fulfil the responsibilities that are traditionally considered as belonging to women in a family setting. Sometimes, I feel that trying to balance the demands of the two cultures overwhelms me. I have to perform some of the household chores, work and study at the same time. This leaves me exhausted on most days. My significant other appreciates my efforts and will step in to help on many occasions. At one moment he had to give me a long talk justifying why he should perform most of the household chores. This happened when I had an examination in a week’s time but was not feeling prepared. He insisted that I should exclusively focus on studying until I finish the exam. On my side, I felt that this was a good decision. However, I feared about what my parents and family would say if the learnt of the same. After the exam, I called my mother and told her about it. She was amused about how I had become ‘Americanized,’ contrary to my anticipation that she would be alarmed.

Many contemporary writers depict the American society as fully liberalized. This is not always the case. Traditionally, marriage in the American society was characterized by clearly defined gender roles. Hawke (2007) notes that the farm economy that came with European immigrants perpetuated gender roles and continued to define gender relations in intimate relationships and marriages. From the early days of our relationship, my significant other has held the position of a de facto leader. However, we have never had a conversation on who should play the role of the leader. My significant other performs most of the roles that are traditionally considered male universally. I also try my best to perform household chores. However, each of us is ready to assist whenever the other is busy and cannot perform their routine roles.

Though we grew up in different cultures, we had similar emotional experiences in our families. Both our parents had an opportunity of getting to know and loving us. They were supportive to each other and had almost similar challenges. However, my significant other has a better experience of spouses who are close to each other. Unlike my father, he spends most of his time in the house when not at work. We both never had experiences of our parents confronting each other on who is superior than the other or regarding the distribution of roles. Both our fathers took up the roles of providing for the families while mothers slid into the caregiver responsibilities. From my view, we have an advantage over our parents since the society does not expect us to confine our relations and roles to the traditional setting.

In the contemporary society, there are fewer clearly defined roles between the man and the woman in a relationship (Lugones 189). This has been advantage for us as each can understand the struggles that the other goes through. I can take over roles that are traditionally considered male. For instance, when my significant other has many financial obligations to meet, I can provide money for routine expenses such as fuel, food and even payment of bills. My significant other also gladly performs routine household chores when I am overwhelmed with work or studies. Emotional support has been mutual from the early days of our relationship. We both understand that family members are the most reliable people who can solve a person’s problems. For instance, I confronted one of our neighbors after I learnt that her children were dumping litter near the entrance to our house. She became hostile and wanted to engage me in a quarrel and a fight. My significant other came out to support me by telling her and leading me away. He then took the issue with her husband and they resolved peacefully without a shouting match or threats of violence. If this was in the Latin scenario, the men would have abstained from the issue. My father always pulled out of my mother’s issues with neighbors and would stress on the importance of not taking part in women’s issues. I believe that the contemporary family is closer than in the traditional setting when gender separation existed.

Listening Skills and Barriers

On a personal level, we have very good communication skills. My significant other’s colleagues and subordinates consider him as one of the most approachable colleagues at the workplace. He usually narrates how he has to handle many issues between his employees and between his colleagues and the management. When I was growing up in my family, I established a good relationship with the other family members. In school and at the workplace, I have assumed various leadership positions due to my ability to communicate and establish good relations.

In most instances, the issues that raised go through all the five listening stages as preponed by DeVito (20). The initial stage is referred to as receiving. This is where a person focuses their hearing on the message of the speaker. In many instances, either of us is able to call the other’s attention and isolate their sentiments from the rest of the stimuli in the environment. This is the primary tool in the listening process. However, there are instances when some barriers exist and efforts to eliminate them may result in a confrontation. My significant other can hardly concentrate when watching his favorite programs on the television. There are times when I have to mute the television to speak to him. This may result in a minor conflict, especially if he considers that the issue raised is not very urgent or important.

Understanding a message is the second step in listening. In many cases, I gauge whether he has understood or not if he seeks clarifications or makes a comment. For instance, when I request that my significant other drops me off to class, he will come up with some of sort of defense for instance, claiming that he is tired. He can also blame me for not driving often and claim that this reduces my confidence on the road. If he fails to respond, it is most likely that he did not understand what I said and I should draw his attention. I also have a similar behavior of making a general commend or a complain whenever I understand whatever he tells me. If these two initial listening stages are successful, we usually have no problems remembering.

The remembering stage has been very instrumental in our relationship. If I tell my significant other to pick up something in the store and he forgets, there are high chances that he has a problem. Such happenings have been starting points where that I have built on to understand whatever is troubling him. The same happens with me when I forget things that we consider important. We recognize each other as individuals with high memory capacities. So long as we get to understand the meanings of whatever the other is communicating, we can remember even after years.

One key barrier that we experience in all the five listening stages is technology. Television has existed for many years. Though it has inhibited our communication in some instances, we have ways of dealing with it such as muting. However, personal devices such as tablets and the smartphone have been some of the greatest barriers in our relationship when communicating. Mobile phones and personal computers consume most of our time when we are not at work or doing other serious business. Park et al. (457) notes that the advancement of technology has made psychological detachment from work a harder process because individuals can access materials pertaining to their careers from the comfort of their homes. Many people are unable to achieve work-life balance due to this easy accessibility. My significant other has had the greatest challenge. There are times when I have had to take away his devices or disconnect the home internet connection in order to have his attention.

The process of evaluating whatever we communicate has been a joint one for as long as I can remember. In many instances, we will exchange a few sentences while trying to make sense of what we are discussing. This listening stage draws us together. There are very few instances where one of us makes a statement followed by silence with the other trying to make sense of it. We usually exchange ideas that help us understand each other better. It also eliminates mistrust between us as we show each other the willingness to promote the strength of our relationship and work on the wellbeing of each other. However, it is important to note that the joint process of evaluation does not entail imposing one’s personal views on each other. The exchange can only happen if the recipient of the message seeks clarification or the other person’s input. For instance, last week I raised an issue with my significant other’s habit of staying late in the night on my computer. He asked me if I was not comfortable with him using my computer. For me, I felt that he his habit was taking a toll on his ability to wake up early and concentrate during the day. I also wanted to know whether there were trust issues that made him look through my computer. He noted that his computer had become too slow, especially when browsing.

The process of responding is usually carried out through provision of formative and summative feedback. Our communication involves long engagements where both the person disseminating and the one receiving the message take an active part in the process of soliciting and giving information. A lot of formative feedback is given. From my side, I understand that my significant means well for me. Therefore, I always try to understand his perspective. In the process, I tell him what I think and the summative feedback is always given after considering everybody’s thoughts and perspectives.

References

DeVito, Joseph A. “Interpersonal Messages.” Interpersonal Messages, Pearson Higher Education, 2017.

Lugones, M. (2007). Heterosexualism and the colonial/modern gender system. Hypatia, 22(1), 186-219.

Park, YoungAh, Charlotte Fritz, and Steve M. Jex. ”Relationships between work-home segmentation and psychological detachment from work: the role of communication technology use at home.“ Journal of occupational health psychology 16.4 (2011): 457.